Abigail has always been a very confident child. When she makes her mind up that she wants something, such as the reading award at the end of first grade, she goes after it whole-heartedly, and succeeds. When we agreed to get her horseback riding lessons, she said she was going to learn to ride both Western and English by the end of one month of lessons. After her third lesson of Western, she was learning to post. Needless to say, she is able to ride both. Ab has always been very social, outgoing, and accepting. Kindergarten was shocking to her in that she got her first view of kids that did not want to be friends with other kids. She could not understand that for the life of her. She thought that if you had 24 other kids in her room, there would be a 25-way friendship. I have always loved, and even envied that about her. This year has been rough for her, as many of you know. She was bullied quite a bit, which her teacher and I are working through, but it has changed my sweet girl. She is not as confident, not as motivated, not as "Abby". Wes and I are working hard at home to get her back to herself. As I was praying about it the other day, God showed me a reflection of myself in her and reminded me of a blog I wrote a few years ago. It was titled "Not Good Enough". (http://themountainlily.blogspot.com/2007/09/not-good-enough.html) That title would be the most perfect title for an autobiography. I re-read it and it got me thinking and wondering when exactly it was that my spirit was crushed. I don't remember if it was the kids shunning me because I "had a disease" or if it was my ballet teacher telling me that only skinny girls should be in her dance class. I do know that each hit after those years only pushed me back further: the belittling classmates sent my way, the heartbreaks of broken relationships, my inability to accomplish my expectations for myself. I went through some tough times back when I was in college the first time and ended up being quite shunned by many of my high school friends from church and school. It still bothers me to a degree. Facebook seems to be a constant reminder that I will never measure up in their eyes. Like I said, "Not Good Enough." A year and a half ago, I went through the most humiliating, most difficult time of my life. I struggled with depression on and off afterward, even tried anti-depressants for a short while. They did not help.


Lately, I have been constantly pursued by the Holy Spirit. I have been reminded that it absolutely does not matter what my faults are, I am still adopted into the family of God through my faith. It is not by works. So I did things wrong in my past? I confessed them to the Lord and I have been forgiven. So I am not the prettiest, smartest, most talented, or gifted? My soul is still wanted by the Creator of all things. Depressed by the world? Hope is eternal in Him. When I wrote that blog three plus years ago, I was seeking God's will as to what to do about the church I was attending. Now, I am so thankful to be at Crosspoint Community Church. It truly has been an answer to prayer. Our pastor has said in more than one sermon that God chooses the broken to do amazing things for his kingdom. He used an ordinary stick in the hands of a stuttering shepherd to part the Red Sea. He used a prostitute to hide His people in Jericho. He used a tiny stone to bring down a giant. He used dust to make man. I am pretty sure that if God could use those lowly things, He could use broken me. So, I have decided to change some things. I am choosing to actively make an effort to grow more and more confident through my identity in Christ. And in doing so, I am hoping to show my baby girl that what people say or do to crush your spirit, it can be healed and will only grow stronger over time.