The worst part of this for me is that I have a heart that loves people - all people - instantaneously and deeply.  I have a strong desire to make close, deep, intimate friendships that span a lifetime.  This disorder, however, prevents me from getting past the acquaintance stage of relationship.  This is partly my fault because I, well, avoid people; but it is also because I have yet to find a friend who pursues me past my anxiety. Not being pursued then makes me feel unwanted, then ultimately leads to further anxiety.  My move to Boone in 1999 was the point that the vast majority of my early life friendships ended.  It was the out of sight out of mind scenario.  Since then, my life has felt very lonely.

One of my biggest struggles is talking.  In high school, I spent hours on the phone.  If I was home, I was on the phone.  With S.A.D., phone calls are one of the most daunting tasks for me as an adult. Even worse is talking to someone in person.  I have always been better at writing my thoughts than speaking them, but at this point, I have to say that I am as socially awkward as Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.  I have an IQ of 162, but I sound like a bumbling idiot on a regular basis.  It is very hard to find people who understand this difficulty and do not leave conversations with me early on. Needless to say, this has increased my struggle. 

I believe that the Lord God created this world and all that is in it.  Everything was created to be good. Initially.  Then sin entered in. I jokingly explained to my eleven-year-old daughter that hormones were created to be good, but that when Eve sinned, they became instruments used for evil.  A lot of things are that way - created for good, used for evil.  That being said, those things themselves are not always evil - only used for it.  

According to Meyers-Briggs, I am an ISFP (INTROVERT, Sensing, Feeling, Perception).  This personality type has been called "The Artist", "The Poet", "The Hippie", "The Peacemaker". This personality type is supposedly good for a relationship with any other personality type because we tend to be selfless and we enjoy encouraging others without bringing glory to ourselves.  I am not saying this in a "holier than thou" way (hahaha, not in a glory-seeking way); rather, I am just explaining that the introverted part of my personality tends to be the strongest trait and explaining what exactly it is.  

The past couple months have brought about some odd circumstances for me.  The circumstances in which I have been thrust have forced me into a spotlight.  While at a homeschooling conference, I was asked to stand in front of others and speak -into a microphone.  To be quite honest, I'd have been more comfortable if she'd have asked me to shoot myself in the foot. It is not a fear of public speaking so much as it is just not who I am.  This past week, my father (an elder at my church) told me that he needed me to add some tasks to my "job" as nursery director at our church and told me he needed me to make a sign-up sheet for him to get volunteers for Wednesday night childcare (something new we are doing).  I told him I would.  I got to church, handed him the sheet, and sat down.  At the end of announcements, he stood up and told the entire congregation that I was too scared to stand and speak so I was making him do it for me because he "overcame that fear", then informed everyone about the need for nursery volunteers.  Yep.  That happened.  As a heads-up, the way to make your introverted daughter feel comfortable surely is not to point out that she is uncomfortable in groups TO A GROUP OF PEOPLE. I seriously thought I was going to die.

How does this tie into my first paragraph?  Lately, many people have been singling out introverted people.  I have seen many posts about how introverted people can "overcome" their fear of others. Or how during greeting time at church, people say that the introverts can be excused during that time to avoid the discomfort of fellowship.  It is as if some people are viewing the personality trait of introversion as being something "wrong".  Was this personality type created by God?  Yes. Is it evil?  Well, I believe that every personality trait could be used for good or for evil, but the trait itself is good.  Take Hitler for example.  What an outstanding extrovert with amazing leadership capabilities. Can you imagine what an evangelist he could have been in the world for the furthering of God's kingdom if he'd have chosen to use his personality traits, his gifts, and abilities for God's glory rather than for evil?  

To be clear, we do not fear others, we just don't enjoy being in large groups of others.  I could talk for hours on end with hundreds of people...one on one.  I am not made for talking to hundreds of people at one time, even for three minutes.  I took speech class.  I hated it.  I made an A, but it isn't who I am.  And that is ok.  If we were all extroverts, everyone in this world would be fighting to be in the spotlight - we introverts gladly give it to those seeking it.  God did not create me to be a speaker, rather He gave me the ability to communicate ideas in a logical manner through written word.  Some writers are famous and enjoy that spotlight; I write even if no one is reading because it is who I am.  As long as I use my introverted trait  to glorify God and not myself, I feel pretty confident that I am not using it for evil nor do I feel I need to "overcome" it.

I was a little upset with my daughter today. She is a smart girl, so when she is absent minded, it can rub me the wrong way. While she was in her room reading, I remembered one of my favorite stories about her. I felt a need to share it.

A couple years ago, we had one of Abigail's friends come on an outing with us. Along the way, we stopped at a fastfood drive-thru for lunch. While waiting in the line, the little girl guest we had noticed a man standing on the roadside. She pointed him out to Abigail and said, "You know what, Abby? That man is going to Hell because he has tattoos and smokes. Jesus doesn't want people like that in heaven." This definitely got my attention. Abs looked out the window at him. At that moment, he was squatting down picking up some papers an older woman had dropped. I looked at his tattoos, which were covering all of his skin that was in sight. They were primarily crosses and scripture verses. Abigail looked back at her friend and told her, "You know what? I think Jesus wants everyone to accept His forgiveness. I hope that man comes to heaven, 'cause he will make it even more colorful."

Very thankful that my then seven-year-old would see the big picture, avoid judging others, and realize that none of us are perfect, but we are all able to accept the forgiveness offered by God through Jesus.

Abigail has always been a very confident child. When she makes her mind up that she wants something, such as the reading award at the end of first grade, she goes after it whole-heartedly, and succeeds. When we agreed to get her horseback riding lessons, she said she was going to learn to ride both Western and English by the end of one month of lessons. After her third lesson of Western, she was learning to post. Needless to say, she is able to ride both. Ab has always been very social, outgoing, and accepting. Kindergarten was shocking to her in that she got her first view of kids that did not want to be friends with other kids. She could not understand that for the life of her. She thought that if you had 24 other kids in her room, there would be a 25-way friendship. I have always loved, and even envied that about her. This year has been rough for her, as many of you know. She was bullied quite a bit, which her teacher and I are working through, but it has changed my sweet girl. She is not as confident, not as motivated, not as "Abby". Wes and I are working hard at home to get her back to herself. As I was praying about it the other day, God showed me a reflection of myself in her and reminded me of a blog I wrote a few years ago. It was titled "Not Good Enough". (http://themountainlily.blogspot.com/2007/09/not-good-enough.html) That title would be the most perfect title for an autobiography. I re-read it and it got me thinking and wondering when exactly it was that my spirit was crushed. I don't remember if it was the kids shunning me because I "had a disease" or if it was my ballet teacher telling me that only skinny girls should be in her dance class. I do know that each hit after those years only pushed me back further: the belittling classmates sent my way, the heartbreaks of broken relationships, my inability to accomplish my expectations for myself. I went through some tough times back when I was in college the first time and ended up being quite shunned by many of my high school friends from church and school. It still bothers me to a degree. Facebook seems to be a constant reminder that I will never measure up in their eyes. Like I said, "Not Good Enough." A year and a half ago, I went through the most humiliating, most difficult time of my life. I struggled with depression on and off afterward, even tried anti-depressants for a short while. They did not help.


Lately, I have been constantly pursued by the Holy Spirit. I have been reminded that it absolutely does not matter what my faults are, I am still adopted into the family of God through my faith. It is not by works. So I did things wrong in my past? I confessed them to the Lord and I have been forgiven. So I am not the prettiest, smartest, most talented, or gifted? My soul is still wanted by the Creator of all things. Depressed by the world? Hope is eternal in Him. When I wrote that blog three plus years ago, I was seeking God's will as to what to do about the church I was attending. Now, I am so thankful to be at Crosspoint Community Church. It truly has been an answer to prayer. Our pastor has said in more than one sermon that God chooses the broken to do amazing things for his kingdom. He used an ordinary stick in the hands of a stuttering shepherd to part the Red Sea. He used a prostitute to hide His people in Jericho. He used a tiny stone to bring down a giant. He used dust to make man. I am pretty sure that if God could use those lowly things, He could use broken me. So, I have decided to change some things. I am choosing to actively make an effort to grow more and more confident through my identity in Christ. And in doing so, I am hoping to show my baby girl that what people say or do to crush your spirit, it can be healed and will only grow stronger over time.